the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
