I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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