The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
