I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize