Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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