I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
