You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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