he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
