If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
