It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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