i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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