I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
