I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize