Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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