We named our party play list daddy issues
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
