just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize