I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
