Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
