he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
