did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
