in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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