God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
