I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
