i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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