just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
