apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
