so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
