I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
