I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
