You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize