Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
