Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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