Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
