it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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