dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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