Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
