I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
