New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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