He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
