I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
