You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Randomize