I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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