so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
