We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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