I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
