if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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