How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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