she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
