So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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