There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
where are you?
Hypothermia
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
