I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
