Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
