You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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