I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So vagazzling was a success
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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